You know how it is. You give birth to what you think is a perfectly normal British child. Sure, the birth may have taken place in France but you’re confident that your influence is strong enough to turn your child out as British as Coleman’s mustard, rain at Wimbledon and fighting in pub car parks. The baby grows, starts to develop a personality of its own, eventually speaks. Certain things your darling says and does seem unusual, even alien. Little by little you begin to suspect – with horror – that your child is, in fact, French.

I’ve listed the 28 most common signs of Frenchness in children. If your child displays 10 or more, please report them to the British consulate immediately.

1. They have an intense relationship with someone called ‘Doudou’ (basically a rag with a face).
2. They say “Oh la la!” WHICH IS FREAKIN’ ADORABLE.
3. When they hurt themselves, they say “Aïe!” instead of “Ow!”
4. Arguments contain frequent references to “having the right” to do something, like they’re little lawyers.
   

   “Tu n’as pas le droit a faire ça!”

5.  Meals in restaurants aren’t stress-filled because of their intense “No, you cannot leave the table until everyone is finished” training that began shortly after birth.
6. The theme tune to Trotro is ingrained in your brain forever. (No it isn’t “trop trop rigolo!” Shut up, you badly drawn donkey-boy.)
7. For them hot chocolate is a morning drink, whereas you know it’s really for bedtime.
8. They have a better knowledge of cheese than you.
9. They love all Kinder products.
10. Caca!!
11. Caca-boudin!!!
12. They pout convincingly.
13. And have that shrug/eyebrow-lift thing down pat.
14. They speak French better than you and their accent is TO DIE FOR.
15. The majority of the time they are on holiday from school, or it feels like it to you anyway.
16. Nutella isn’t some once-a-year wonder product but something they take for granted.
17. You give them baked beans for lunch and they’re all, “Qu’est-ce que c’est?”.
18. They dip bread products into milk when any fool knows that’s biscuit-only territory.
19. They pronounce it ‘Speederman’.
    

    It’s SPY-derman

20. In the slightest breeze they are wrapped up head-to-toe in thick layers, like some ancient duchess on a cure by the seaside.
21. They can ski.
22. They are taken to doctors for things like sore throats, which in France is considered a serious medical condition and given a fancy name. (In Britain the same condition is treated with eye rolls and honey.)
23. They think pain-au-chocolats are normal, not exotic.
24. Sweets and chocolates are for le goûter at 4 o’clock so they don’t whine for them all day. Well, pretty much most of the time.
25. You’re pottering about mid-morning and suddenly think, “Oh my God, what did I do with my toddler?!” then you remember that you live in France and so they’re at school even though they’re only 3 years old.
26. “Pin-pon pin-pon” is their default fire engine sound.
27. English isn’t their first language so when they do speak it, it’s HILARIOUS getting better every day!
28. You know, their French passport and birth certificate. Those are strong hints.

Photo credit: Alice Nutella by Giulia. CC BY

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