French supermarkets as seen by a British person
- Oh look, the cheap, factory produced baguettes are exactly the same as the cheap, factory produced baguettes you get in Britain.
- WTF is “rape” cheese, you sick bastards?
- What is with all the yoghurts? No one needs this much yoghurt. Get a grip, France.
- YOU CAN BUY FROZEN SNAILS WITH GARLIC BUTTER WHICH IS FUNNY BECAUSE STEREOTYPES!
- Horse meat
- The wine aisle is all “French wine, French wine, French wine, French wine, French wine, French wine, wine from the rest of the world, French wine, French wine, French wine…”
- See above for cheese.
- Seriously though, the fromage selection is like an orgy for cheese lovers. “Come in, relax, see anything you like here? Try a little of this, how about some of that, huh? Betcha you’d enjoy it. You’ve always wanted to try this really grey mouldy chèvre, haven’t you? This crumbly mimolette too hardcore for ya?”
- Me in the cold meat aisle: “I wants all the ham. All the pâté. Salaaaaaamiiiiii.” You can even buy a whole leg of pig. Some girls dream of a white wedding, I dream of having an entire leg of ham in my kitchen that I can just slice a lump off, or even gnaw like a caveman.
- Hey, supermarché. Your Indian food section is one jar of orange sludge and some poppadoms. This is a joke, no? *looks for hidden cameras*
- Also, where are the chilled ready meals? You don’t expect me to cook actual ingredients, do you?
- Why can I not buy 18 varieties of houmous?
- Why is all the toilet paper pink?
- So much bottled water! You do know you can drink the stuff that comes out of the tap for free, right?
- Kinder and Milka have really got a choke hold on the kids’ confectionary racket. I AM NOT SUGGESTING THAT THEY ARE THE CHOCOLATE MAFIA. Mmm, delicious sweet melty mafia…
- Why buy fresh milk when you can buy these cartons that can be hoarded in case of a nuclear war?
- Jars of vegetables in brine! Like specimen jars in a medical museum but not so body parts-y.
- The cereals on offer are not middle-class enough. There’s only one kind of granola and it doesn’t even have goji berries and chia seeds.
- “Hi, I’m looking for the vegetarian section.”
“Sure, you go straight ahead, turn right and through those doors.”
“Um. That’s the exit?”
“Yes it is.” - OH SWEET BABY JESUS you can buy tubs of pistachio ice cream (which for some reason is impossible in Britain). I AM HOME, YOU CAN LEAVE ME HERE.
Tellou
Great laugh. Thanks for the post! I picture myself again in a UK supermarket (just came back from holidays in that former-to-be european country):
– Why breads are in 2 different aisles. Like “freshly baked in the supermarket” bread, in a plastic bag, vs breads in plastic bags….?????
– Pickkkkkkkles!!!!!!! YUM!!!
– At last, some good tea! (Get away from me dodgy lipton yellow tea sold in France!)
– Back into the bread aisle: OMG, OMG OMG (yes orgasmic ones): scones!!! crumpets!!! Cross Buns!!! Tea Cakes!!! Malt Loaf!!!! OMG OMG OMG (deep breathing…run into the marmelade and lemon curd aisle to spread…)
– Where’s the yogurt aisle? Hi there? Anyone here? (echoooooo…)
– What’s the deal with pre-packing all fruits and vegetables in cases and plastic bags?
– One word: custard. Add milk, add water, open a tin, open a carton whatever, but I want some PUD!!!
– Etc…