France has a great reputation for many things (revolutions, stifling bureaucracy, topless sunbathing) but pop music is not among those. Despite being the country that produced the genius of Daft Punk, the breathtaking soundscapes of Air, and barking sixties sex dwarf Serge Gainsbourg, little French music is heard outside Francophone countries.

So where does this negativity surrounding French pop come from? In my experience, a lot of it comes from French people themselves, who are highly critical of the output of the musical output of their own country. Then there’s the fact that French radios are legally obliged to play 40% French music. Which is a bit like your mum forcing you to eat your vegetables before you get any ice cream.

But is this unfair? To find out, I’m going to listen to the biggest hits of most popular French acts in 2015-16 to see if the music really is worse than that produced in the UK/US.

David Guetta – Hey Mama ft Nicki Minaj, Bebe Rexha & Afrojack

OK, I’ll admit I chose ‘Hey Mama’ because it features the gloriously mental Nicki Minaj and – kiffe her or hate her – she’s never dull. This track is a pleasant surprise with a call and response chorus and overall island flavour.  Nicki is an absolute boss in the track, so it’s disappointing that lyrically she positions herself as someone who cooks, cleans and is open to any and all sexual suggestions. Plus it features the line: “I keep my nana real sweet for your eating,” bringing to mind, as it does, images of oral sex and grandmothers. Thanks for that, Nicki!

The video, shot in the desert is straight from Mad Max: Fury Road with  mad-haired models in ripped tights and wince-inducing undies. Nicki appears as a giant hologram, like Holly in Red Dwarf. In fact, this video, this song, everything is so much about Nicki that I’ve entirely forgotten David Guetta (played in the video by a futuristic Jesus in casualwear). Such is the fate of the DJ performer/producer (see also Mark Ronson in anything).

Conclusion: LIKE but with reservations over the lyrics. Guetta already feels like an international performer with his success and choice of collaboration. Let’s go Frencher with the next artist.

Maître Gims – Sapés commes jamais ft Niska

When Maître Gims’s name comes up in conversation, it’s usually accompanied by the kind of groans and protests one normally associates with the announcement of métro strike dates. So I’ll admit to not having high hopes when clicking play on ‘Sapés comme jamais’.

Gims raps in French. His voice is deep and booming, dancehall style, but curiously nasally – or perhaps that’s the autotuning.  Whichever, it’s grating. Someone called Niska pops up at one point and sings in the style of someone having an argument on his mobile in a car park.

The video features Maître Gims and chums – you’ll never believe this – in a club surrounded by pretty dancing ladies.  I was, like, WOW, “How did they think of that?” before I fell asleep. When I woke up, Maître Gims was wearing a dead ferret on his shoulder, which at least is original. Being well dressed (sapé) is the theme of the song, which explains Master Gims’ trademark dance move: the ‘Dandruff Removal Swipe’. Throughout he is as stony faced as a bank manager refusing an overdraft and dances with the grace of a man recently awoken from a coma.

Conclusion: I’d like to say I hated it (to fit in with my friends) but didn’t. At the time it was a bit blah but two days later I still had the chorus in my head; and sang it, much to the horror of my nearest and dearest.

Kendji Girac – Conmigo

Kendji Girac is the winner of 2014’s The Voice (a telly talent contest like every single other one) and ‘Conmigo’ won NRJ Song of the Year award 2015, so I’m not without hope that this will be good.  I’m expecting a puppyish ballad about how much he woves oo a la Justin Bieber but, to my pleasant surprise, this is not at all the case.  It’s upbeat, electronic, with a prominent scratch motif throughout; this is blended with a strong Spanish influence, especially in the chorus (indeed Kendji sings in Spanish in parts). Kendji’s voice is unremarkable but he is charismatic enough to carry off the performance. Unfortunately the tune doesn’t do enough to stay in my mind; it’s there, then it’s not.

The video, shot in Cuba has the fairly touching storyline of forbidden love on the baseball field. Sadly not daring homosexual romance but the usual Jet-Sharks/love-across-the-boundaries trope. Love wins through until Kendji unexpectedly goes in the huff when the senorita’s mum calls on her to get in off the roof. The viewer is left perplexed at this romantic rupture. Perhaps Kendji’s all about the chase and isn’t ready for the work of sustaining a cross cultural relationship? So many questions.

Conclusion: Dull but not in the way I expected.

Louane – JOUR 1

There’s something refreshing about Louane. She’s very girl next door. She wears a jumper in the video which feels positively revolutionary. Seriously, can you imagine Katy Perry in a jumper? She’s not grinding and thrusting, she’s skipping, hugging her pals, looking frankly dorky a lot of the time. Compared with her highly produced, highly sexualised American counterparts she feels appropriate, relatable for adolescent girl fans. The song (in French) itself is catchy, memorable, and tackles that most banal yet endlessly fascintating teen subject – a broken heart.

Conclusion:  Melodic, sweet and harmless pop.

Soprano – Barman

LIKE! ‘Barman’ tells the story of a put-upon barman and his encounters with the customer who come into the bar. Soprano paints portraits with his lyrics that are well observed, engaging and fun, bringing to mind the works of The Kinks or Squeeze. The chorus “Ils m’ont tous soulé” (“I’m sick of them all”) expresses the breaking-point frustrations of many a worker but masks the darkness of its message behind a swing-style ba-da-de-ba-dah refrain.

What an easy task for the video director. Intelligently enough, they’ve simply portrayed Soprano as the titular barman and populated the video with the characters described in the song. An interesting twist is that they’ve played on the pun between “barman” and a superhero name (eg “batman”) and had our hero have his revenge on the clients at the end. I could’ve lived without the implied violence but that’s just me.

Conclusion: Foot-tapping fun.

Keen’v – Rien qu’une fois

First impressions: it’s a French Robbie Williams. It’s the rubbery face and the mugging to the camera. Not to mention the chart-friendly singalong chorus, complete with strings. Things take a less-Robbie turn when the tune breaks down and Keen-V raps to a Caribbean drum beat. This is happy, romantic music designed to please the masses. I can perfectly imagine this playing at a wedding and being danced to by all ages.

The video is a cross between Cyrano de Bergerac and crap Will Smith flick ‘Hitch’. Keen’V plays a love expert helping a geeky young man seduce a pretty florist (played by a Heather Graham lookalike). Things take a dramatic turn when the geek’s glasses are removed and he is revealed to be a super hotty. A happy ending is therefore assured.

Conclusion: Mainstream pop. This could be a hit anywhere were it sung in English.

Jul – Wesh alors

Jul looks like a cross between a fat Tom Hardy and Ray Winstone as dressed by Asda. His hairstyle is as primped, shaven and waxed as a pornstar’s quim, but depite all this attention, it’s curiously disarrayed, like a seagull shat in it and he hastily wiped the debris away. He dances like a recently tranquilised bear. His autotuned voice is high and weak, like it hasn’t yet broken. His facial expressions range between a grimace and a sneer. If this wasn’t bad enough, he makes gun signs with his hands. Every inch of his being screams Arsehole.

The music itself is plinky-plinky and repetitive. It is one of the few tracks that I can imagine being improved by being played through the speakers of a mobile phone on a bus.

Conclusion: No. Just no.

Black M – Sur ma route

‘Sur ma route’ seemed like a work of genius after Jul. We start off with a fast acoustic guitar rhythm, hand claps and the repetative refrain, “Sur ma route”; the song builds as electronic beats are introduced, Black M raps about the difficulties he’s faced in life – reflective stuff – until we reach the crescendo of the chorus with big beats and a melodic guitar counter refrain. It’s effective. Not my cup of tea but the sort of thing young people probably jump around to, knocking into chairs in their inattention.

Now the video gets points for originality. Taking the theme from the lyrics (where reference is made to his life being like a movie) Black M plays an actor in various roles from famous films. So we see him as The Joker, Chaplin’s Tramp, Bilbo Baggins and others I couldn’t place. If anything, this was distracting as I kept thinking, “Who’s he meant to be now?” I still don’t know who the escaped prisoner was meant to be. Answers on a postcard, please.

Conclusion: Not my thing but well enough done.

Christine and The Queens – Christine

Wow. This is the first thing I’ve listened to that doesn’t sound like it was designed for mass market or idiots (not the same thing). The beats are minimalist, electronic, subtle; there’s a low distorted synths sound, then a higher, birdlike reply. Then Christine’s voice comes in, strong and cool. She sings, “Je ne tien pas debut/Le ciel coule sur mes mains” (“I can’t stay upright/The sky sinks on my hands”); the lyrics are abstract, leaving the impression of disequilibrium, emphasised by the dancing. The song reaches its climax in a layered, disjointed chorus of voices with Christine’s soaring over the top. Then, quite brilliantly, the song breaks back down to its original bare beats, giving a satisfying sense of completion.

The video is as minimalist as the beats. There’s a square stage, backlit in blue; on it are four dancers, Christine included, dressed in androgynous black. Their synchronised movements are by turns jerky then smooth, upright then lying down; at times it’s less like dancing than displays of everyday movements, made bizarre out of context. Most destabilising of all are the times when the camera takes us under the stage and dancers, offering a 360 degree view. As in the music, the expressive dance brings to mind Kate Bush, which is as high as compliments get round here.

Conclusion: Loved it. A new addition to the playlist.

So, is French pop music really that bad? I have to say no.  Much was not to my taste but the same could be said for plenty of popular UK acts, plus there were enought pleasant surprises – and one real jewel – alone the way to have made the whole investigation pleasurable.  I’m left with the question of why French acts don’t crossover into Anglophone markets and have to conclude – rightly or not – that it’s not a problem of quality but rather because they’re not singing in English. The French acts that have made it big internationally (Daft Punk, Air and David Guetta) all produce works in English. Which seems a shame. I guess wanting to sing along is a primal impulse and means barriers will remain.